Do's And Don'ts Of A Great Relationship!

Article Presented by:
Copyright © 2009 Carol Chanel


The other day I asked a couple I had coached to consciously model a great relationship for his younger brother and girlfriend. I realize a lot of us never knew what a great relationship looked like. We didn't know what to do and not do. We only had in our minds relationships we saw at home, our friend's relationships, those we saw on TV or in the movies, or read about in books.

So what does a great relationship look like? What needs to be present in order for it to be healthy, loving, joyful and passionate? And what must NOT be present? What are the Do's and the Don'ts?

Most people do at least two or three of these Don'ts. Which Don't's do you do? Which one's are you willing to change for the sake of a great relationship?

Don't:

Whine, Pout or Act Pitiful to Get Your Way

Attack, Blame, Demean, Belittle, Get Defensive or Hostile

Refuse to Listen

Become Remote or Cold

Expect to be Entertained - instead get a hobby, read a book, call friends

Expect Them to Make You Happy - it's not up to them to behave in a way to make you happy - that's your job

Manipulate

Expect Perfection

Demand Attention

Judge or Criticize

Set Them Up to Fail

Criticize the Person to Friends - this is a huge No-No

Compare Them to Previous Partners

Get Protective and Shut Down - that's ego stuff, you need boundaries, not protection

Cheat or Lie - including seemingly harmless email connections

So what works better in order to have a healthy, fun, loving and joyful relationship? What do you need to do instead?

Do:

Love them and yourself

Listen and Be Supportive

Cut them some slack

Forgive

Maintain your Sense of Humor

Pitch in with Chores

Make Time for Fun; take vacations - with and without kids

Communicate Lovingly and Honestly about what you need and want, what's working and not working

Be Passionate

Take Care of yourself Physically, Spiritually and Emotionally

Respect them

Have Healthy, Firm Boundaries

Give them space to work things out on their own - if that's what they want

Treat them as the unique individual they are

Spend Time with your Friends - without your partner

When you treat another person in those ways, you create a space where the relationship has a chance to thrive and love can grow.

I'm going to expand on some of the Do's so you can have a clearer picture. Also I'll include some valuable relationship books in the Resource Section.

Communication

Both people need to communicate lovingly, honestly and clearly - all the time. Think about what you're going to say and look to see whether it's clear. So many people just speak without asking specifically for what they need and want. Both people need to listen to themselves and to their partner. I mean sit down, look each other in the eye and talk about what's working and not working.

Listen without getting defensive. No attacking or blaming allowed.

Love

You need to feel like this is the most incredible person you've ever met and are thrilled to be with them. Do your eyes light up when you see them? Does your heart skip a beat? If you're settling because you're scared you won't meet anyone else, do them a favor and get out of the relationship. Then go work on your self-esteem, but let them go be with someone that sees them as their true love.

Support

You need to support each other - have each other's back and believe in the other person. The line "For better or for worse" in most marriage ceremonies was written for a reason. Our partners are going to go through rough times in life. They might not handle it with grace and ease. So be kind when your partner has a hard time. Cut them some slack and see them being healthy, happy and on top again.

Maintain A Sense of Humor

This is as important as all the others. It will see you through so many difficult times and will help you put things in perspective. Not having the new furniture for Thanksgiving is not a reason for being angry. Your husband spilling red wine on the white sofa isn't cause for World War III. (My personal challenge! He's alive today thanks to Scotchguard and paper towels!!) Your wife deciding she doesn't want to spend the weekend with your in-laws isn't a reason to be cranky or pouty.

Take Care of Yourself

This is crucial for a healthy relationship. That might mean spending time with your friends, getting a massage, taking a weekend and getting away from your partner.

And you need to maintain your health and fitness. Don't think that now that you are in a relationship that you can let yourself go. If the man met you and fell in love with a woman who wore clothes that showed her curves, lipstick, perfume, etc. he's going to probably want you to maintain that. Guys if you were fit, dressed nicely and opened the door for her - keep it up.

Respect

You have to respect the person or you will not have a partner for long. If you talk down to the other person or talk negatively about them to your friends, then you aren't respecting them. You need to respect that they are different from you and they think differently than you do. Also you need to respect how the other person feels. So don't belittle them for feeling hurt or sensitive when something happens.

Helping Each Other

I grew up in a home, and thankfully so did my husband, where the men help with the household chores. My father always helped my mother with the dishes, laundry, shopping, whatever needed to be done. My husband does also. My father-in-law, husband and his brothers all do the dishes if the women cook and vice versa. It's called sharing chores.

Guys, the days of being waited on are over. Get up off your butts and help out. And don't whine about it.

And Goddesses, you need to help out with whatever your man needs help with - paying bills, getting receipts together for the accountant, being organized. You know what he needs you to do to make his life easier. Don't say to him, "we need to talk" the minute he comes home from work. Give him a little time to destress.

Not Their Job To Make You Happy

It is not your partners' job to make you happy!! That's your responsibility.

Entertain Yourself

Get a hobby!

I'm always blown away when people tell me they don't have any hobbies. If you don't then you will look to another person to entertain you. That will drain them, they'll get fed up with you and leave. Find something that interests you and develop it.

Have Fun and Take Vacations

You need to have dates and date nights. You need to do fun things every week. Otherwise life becomes all about work and routine. Vacations and getting away are crucial to maintaining a healthy, passionate, joyful relationship.

Kids

If you're in a blended family, Dr. Phil says not to parent your partner's kids. Just support your partner in their parenting job.

Create A Winning Space

If you adhere to the list of do's and don'ts, you are creating a joyful space where the relationship can thrive, each individual will thrive and love can grow.

Be willing to work a little to have a loving, joyful and healthy relationship. The results far outweigh the effort.

Choose to be positive. Choose to have a healthy, fun, loving relationship. Choose to do a little work.

Imagine the possibilities...

(c) Carol C. Chanel




About the Author:
Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who works with people to create new, meaningful and FUN lives. You can learn more about how to create loving and healthy relationships, draw boundaries, not take things personally, be happy to be who you are, and make time for fun by going to her free ezine archive.
http://www.carolchanel.com/rockin_relationships.html


Read more Articles written by Carol Chanel.

5 Tips For Online Lovers Who Are Ready To Meet In Person

Article Presented by:
Copyright © 2008-2009 Clarence Lee


Individuals who are used to dating and establishing romantic relationships in a traditional way will be quite amazed that there are online couples who have been in long term, committed relationships, even on the Internet.

Being able to maintain communication for over a year by merely using a computer is a challenge in itself. One cannot deny the fact that people can easily get distracted in an interactive, online environment. There is the possibility to meet a lot of people, and it is so easy to get distracted by other things. When a couple is able to keep the fire burning for more than a year, without having met in person is considered by many a miracle.

There are countless couples that have agreed to advance their casual online dating to meeting in person. Expectedly, a lot of mixed emotions can take place. It may not be easy to meet the person whom you may know very well from long conversations, but when talking only online, it is sometimes difficult to accept that the person with whom you spoke was honest and true. Below are suggestions to help smooth that first meeting:

Be practical. The fact that both engaged in online dating activities, they should be aware of the possibilities that things may be a little different when they meet each other in person. Two things can only happen during dating online: either a lot of personal information is withheld or everything is revealed. It may be that the first meeting will become a fresh start for both. If it does then let it be. But if both have been honest all along, then it will be to the advantage of both.

Anticipate. Chatting online gives both persons no limitations or accountability. Neither person shares the same circle of friends or any close relatives, which prevents one from exercising the advantage of asking about another persons' past. It is most likely that the "closeness" you had even when you were online may require a little bit of transition when you meet each other in person. The event may be a little awkward. This feeling can be described similar to adjusting the eyes to a new light. Both should anticipate a short period of fine-tuning and choose to work from where they left off.

Be open. Openness from both will help break the ice. Neither should pretend to be what they are not. In the end, dishonesty will cause the other to question the legitimacy of everything said in chat. Sincerity from both will spark the hope that their potential relationship can indeed be trusted to potentially lead to a more serious one, like marriage.

Lower the expectations. The worst thing that could happen is expecting too much from a virtual friend. If this happens, it will be as good as having an imaginary friend. Lowering expectations may mean that one is not being confined to the image about a person who has been consistently playing in ones mind. Not every guy can be a Brad Pitt, or every girl a Jessica Alba. Relationships work better if one will not imprison the other into ones own image. One of the factors why one would meet a person after a long time is curiosity, more so than of being in love. Another thing that can ruin a good potential relationship is instantly becoming turned-off, without giving the other person the chance of proving him or herself worthy.

No one is perfect. Never assume that the person who seemed to capture your heart online is the perfect one. Even traditional dating will not encourage thinking that the person you are dating is perfect and without flaw. If you find it hard to believe yourself perfect, then you should not expect the same from another.

Lovers, who are convinced that they have found the person for them, may find it quite difficult to accept the person they have been spending a lot of time with online. Love is risky, but it is a risk worth taking.




About the Author:
Clarence Lee has been providing online dating services to the public for several years. His Dating Legend website offers singles personals and adult dating personals to its USA, European and Asian members. Visit http://www.hotlaid.com/ today.


Read more of Clarence Lee's articles.

Victims And Relationships Don’t Mix!

Article Presented by:
Copyright © 2009 Carol Chanel


In order for relationships to be truly fun, fulfilling, joyful and loving both people have to be emotionally healthy. That doesn't mean you still don't have some issues to resolve - that's part of life. It does mean that you aren't living a life as a victim of a past experience(s) and continuing to recreate more victim experiences.

If you want to have an amazing "rockin relationship" you can't be a victim and you can't be with a victim, because you will either set the person up to victimize you, or they will set you up to victimize them.

The Law of Attraction says we get what we think about, whether we want it or not. So if you're afraid of being a victim, you will have victim energy and you will attract a victimizer. Or you will perceive what someone does to you as victimizing you.

Let me give you a personal example. I have a childhood friend who had some experiences growing up that were painful. He was a victim, at that point. As he grew older in order to get attention he, probably unconsciously, stepped into the role of the "victim." Women flocked to him to take care of him, to nurture him and to rescue him.

All of that might be okay, if he didn't need to keep wearing the cloak of victim and recreating victim experiences - day in and day out. And he will try to set people up to victimize him. He'll interpret everything through the victim filter. So if you say you can't do something that he wants you to do, then you are letting him down; he'll play the "Poor Me." For example, if he calls one day when you're super busy and can't talk, he'll say you were unkind to him.

He also attracts people who do take advantage of him. Remember you get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

Now if you've been around someone who sees themselves as a victim, and lives as a victim, then you know it's a miserable and drama filled existence. Their lives are all drama and you can't have a normal, healthy relationship with them. And they aren't living in their truth as a powerful human being connected to pure positive energy.

That's the place where you want to be and want the other person to be.

The most important part of being around a victim is to not collude with them. Don't see them as a victim. Don't hold them in that energy. That's what they're used to. That's what they think they want, because that's how they're used to getting attention. It's the "Poor Me" routine. Don't go there with them.

What if instead you saw them as creative, resourceful and whole? What if you saw them as learning how they really wanted to be in life and that the victim role was one they played for a while and might now choose to leave behind?

From that place you're not pulled into their victim energy and they might be encouraged to change their perspective, to move into a new more fulfilling role.

Are You A Victim?

Now I've been talking about other people being the victim. What if you see yourself as a victim?

This is close to my heart, because I used to see myself as a victim. And sure enough, I would have experiences that made me look and feel like a victim.

Then one day a wise American Indian elder said to me, "You can either be a victim of your circumstances, or be victorious in your learning."

I loved that perspective. It felt so uplifting and powerful. And I realized I had a choice. And from that moment I always look at how to be victorious.

During the Beijing Olympics, US track and field star Lolo Jones was running the 100-meter hurdles final, in which she was heavily favored. She was leading the race when she clipped the second to the last hurdle. That knocked her off her stride and she finished well out of the medals.

What she said after the race - being victorious, not a victim - was that she felt the gold around her neck and that caused her to lose her focus for a split second. When you're jumping hurdles that split second is all it takes. She's not a victim. She may have not have medaled, but she knows what she did and she has a powerful learning that will be with her for the rest of her life.

Victims miss the opportunities for learning.

How Can You Be Victorious?

So if you see yourself as a victim, or if you keep being a victim of others, how can you change?

Before I tell you how to change I want to ask you to not be hard on yourself if you've been a victim. Sometimes, when we realize we've been creating it, we can get upset with ourselves. Don't go there. You didn't know any other way to be. And now I'm pointing out another way. So start with the "Beginners Mind" - open and curious, like you are starting your life over. You are.

So the first step is stop being mean to yourself. Your ego is the critical part of your mind. The victim's ego is cruel, critical, perfectionistic and judgmental. You can go to my ezine archive on my website and read May 18, 2004 "What Is Your Negative Self-Talk Doing to You" and June 29, 2006, "How Your Ego Holds You Hostage" to get information on how to quiet your critical voice. Your ego is your critical voice. The truth is it's probably not even yours, it's probably a father, mother, sibling or teachers voice. Don't give it attention. Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would want a wise loving mother to talk to you.

Second, stop seeing yourself as a victim. Start remembering the good things that have happened to you in your life. The thing about victims is they don't look at the good things, or they discount them, or the focus is so weighted on the "bad" things that they don't give any attention to the "good" things.

Third, pay attention to where you might unconsciously set yourself up as a victim. If you know that a friend isn't responsible, don't ask them to feed your cat while you're on vacation. If your assistant doesn't have good people skills, don't ask her to talk to your clients. If your boyfriend is always late, don't ask him to take you to the airport to catch your flight. Don't set yourself up!

This one is a little tricky, because you've been unconsciously doing this for a while. If victim things are still happening, you're still doing it. Now remember, be kind to yourself. It's okay, you're in the process of changing.

And fourth, don't victimize others. I know you're saying, I would never do that. But I guarantee you, victims will at some point, unconsciously victimize others. Even if it's just a judgment or criticism of another person, or an abrupt communication. And if you unconsciously victimize another, then you'll feel really badly about yourself. Then from that place, you'll attract more victim experiences. So be conscious of your behavior.

And if you have victimized others, in any way, forgive yourself. I'm not saying to condone what you did; I'm saying to realize that you didn't know what you were doing. You were in a victim perspective and you were unconscious. You were wounded and you were reacting out of that wound.

Here's a lovely little saying I repeat every day:

"I call on the Law of Forgiveness for myself and all mankind, for all mistakes, misqualified energy, human unconsciousness and for straying from the light."

We are all trying to do the best as we can. We will make mistakes, we will go unconscious and stray from the light. And we can go back into the light and become victorious in our learning. And we can feel great about ourselves and from that place attract the most wonderful experiences into our life!

It's a choice. You can either be a victim of your circumstances or victorious in your learning.

Choose victorious!

Imagine the possibilities...

(c) Carol C. Chanel




About the Author:
Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who works with people to create new, meaningful and FUN lives. You can learn more about how to create loving and healthy relationships, draw boundaries, not take things personally, be happy to be who you are, and make time for fun by going to her free ezine archive.
http://www.carolchanel.com/rockin_relationships.html


Read more Articles written by Carol Chanel.